Electric Toothbrushes & Shillelaghs
I stopped by the store to get the items my mom needed. Floss, mouthwash, toothpaste, hair brush, mascara, Boost and some tasty treats. When I arrive at my mom’s nursing facility, I grab all the bags and enter the building. Mask, check. Sign in, check. I walk the carpeted halls and enter the elevator, whose doors are programmed to stay open for an extended time to accommodate all those who live here. I impatiently push the close button with my elbow, bags hanging and clanging from my arms.
The temperature in the building is always EXTRA HOT. In the depth of winter, I’d wear shorts and a tank if I could. When I get to her room, my mom’s in bed and watching the Hallmark Channel. When I say Hi Mama, she slowly turns her head toward my voice. She pauses, I mask-smile and she says, Oh I Was Just Hoping You’d Come! I Conjured You! I hug her and envelop her as much as I can. She’s become a receiver of hugs because Parkinson’s has taken so much, including her ability to embrace. I am the Hugger and she’s the Huggee. The air mover in her mattress engages and inflates her bed. We chat. I avoid asking the questions that she can’t answer because I can see the slight panic that flashes in her eyes when she knows she should know the answer but doesn’t. I stick to benign, easy topics. She tells me about whatever’s on her mind and often shares big stories which are The Truth to her and I allow her these unless these stories upset her. Then, I do my best to gently anchor her in the truth, that pesky Parkinson’s is at it again.
I tell her I brought some treats and ask if she’d like to see them. Slowly I show her each item I brought from the store. A big event, a wedding, is upcoming and we have some things to do. I start with her teeth, flossing and brushing. We used her Sonicare toothbrush instead of the standard issue. I get the blue, kidney shaped plastic vessel so she has a spot to spit. I turn on the toothbrush. My mom slowly raises her hand, smiling (as much as one can while their daughter brushes their teeth) and says, Wickuls! Wickuls! and I stop the brush. She’s laughing as she says, TICKLES! LAUGHING. I’m laughing. I bring my forehead to hers and we laugh together, the joy holding us both.
Then we move to the wedding outfit finalization. She’s still in bed so I lay out her wedding outfit on top of her so she can feel like she’s wearing it. We have a photo shoot so I can show her pictures of how she looks. She loves her outfit! Then, we move to the shoes. Oh, the shoes. My mother loves them. We try on the different options. She chooses the Dragon Fruit flats, because they’re darling and comfy…and because she loves the name of the color. She always held a special spot for creatively named cosmetics and nail polish names. Such flair and whimsy! She wants a different size of shoe, and I tell her I’ll order them and bring them over when they arrive. The harsh truth of her being in a wheelchair and that the shoes don’t need to be that comfortable sits bitterly on my tongue. Why would I even think to say that? In what world would that practicality surpass a woman’s joy in picking out shoes for her son’s wedding? A small surge of guilt swishes in my gut.
I’ve started to sweat at this point. I’ve stripped down as much as I can. My mother glows. I move to her hair, brushing and trimming. I ask her if she’d like to put on some lipstick. She says no. She sees the surprise on my face and switches her answer to make me happy. I explain that it’s all for her, and she should only put on lipstick if she wants. It’s not until later that I remember how she wore lipstick everyday for the entirety of my life. Revlon, a plummy brown and its tip always in a perfect triangle. Plum Storm. I can see it and smell it.
She decides she’d like lipstick. She purses her lips and I carefully swipe on the color. She says it feels strange after not wearing it for so long. I snap a photo of her in her bed, outfit arranged, hair styled and lips painted. I show her the photo. She looks at me, her eyes twinkling and says, We should probably put on some mascara, too. I offer to put it on for her. She asks whether I’ve ever put mascara on anyone before. I assure her that I have, indeed. Our eyes lock as I’m applying it. I’ll never forget this moment, or the look I found. Her eyes had become Love Beams, communicating everything and every word she couldn’t say or find or remember. She hugged my whole being with those stunning deep, slate blue eyes.
Strains of guitar and singing work their way into her room. It’s Steve, who comes frequently to perform and does sing-alongs with the residents. Mom loves this and is excited to get to the common area. Her care team comes in to transfer her into her wheelchair and we wheel over. Steve greets my mom and tells me that she has an Irish poem that she performs for them. He asks if he can record her as she recites it. I’m mesmerized as she softly speaks the words.
Old St. Pat has a Shillelagh in his pocket and a shamrock in his hat
But there’s a secret to an Irishman by the eye it can’t be seen
It’s the magic to his mischief
Begorrah his blood is green!
Steve beams at her. Then he asks for requests. I say, Do you know any Carpenter’s songs? and my mom says, How about On The Day That You Were Born? and Steve begins to serenade a mother and a daughter with the daughter’s Baby Song,
On the day that you were born
the angels got together
and decided to create a dream-come-true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair of gold
and starlight in your eyes of blue
The roundness and enormity of the moment swallowed me whole.
The last six years brought many acute health situations requiring calm and steadiness and research and love while the cortisol coursed through my body. All while watching the greedy, twisted thief named Parkinson’s steal her mobility and her mind. Living in ambiguity and uncertainty, while clearly seeing deterioration and symptoms raging is like breathing smoke. But small moments glimmer, oxygen in the haze, that do, indeed, provide grace and comfort now that she has passed.
In the last days of my mother’s life, I played her favorite music. Her beloved Vivaldi. The Carpenters. John Denver & The Muppets Christmas album. I read her Mary Oliver. I climbed into bed with her and rested my head in the curve of her neck, nestled into her collarbone and listened to the syncopatic rhythm of our hearts. How many times in my life had I been right there, that ancestral home of my mother’s chest? I don’t remember the first time. Or all the times between. But that last one? I felt the vastness of our physical connection. And Begorrah, I’ll remember that home forever.
PRACTICE
“Hey Denise, it’s Dr. M’s nurse.”
“Thank you so much for calling me back.”
“Doctor thinks you need to go to the ER.”
I hung up. I updated my mom, who’d come over to check on me because my family was out of town. I’d sent them on our vacation because a) I wanted them to have fun and didn’t want (once again) to be the vacation party-pooper and b) I thought I just needed rest.
“They want me to go to the ER. I don’t want to go to the ER.”
And you know what? I almost didn’t go.
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I’d been at the pool with the kids, a normal August Sunday. As I sat on the lounge chair, legs outstretched and hot sun bearing down, I felt the familiar pain in my right abdomen. Just moments before, I’d thought, Wow, I haven’t felt the pain in several weeks and then WHAM, it hit. That pain comes on languid summer afternoons when the August sun slants at angle that reminds you to soak it up now because even though it’s here now, it’s begun its slow retreat to the other half of the Earth. That pain comes on vacation in the mountains. It comes when you’re standing in the checkout at Target. It comes on Father’s Day when you’re supposed to go to a BBQ celebrating your husband and a dear friend but instead, you send your family into the newly warm June evening without you, downplaying your discomfort but not fooling anyone.
On that August afternoon, after the pain started (again), we left the pool and drove home with windows down, the car full of the scent of chlorine and sunscreen. Abby and I picked up pizza. After we ate, I felt lousy. I blamed my pain on endometriosis and thought the discomfort was my body’s retaliation against the second huge slice of deep dish. At 7pm, I went to bed but sleep eluded me. The pain intensified so I got down on the floor and tried to cat/cow my way through it. Then I tried to sleep on the floor because for some reason I thought a hard floor would make me feel better. WTH. When that didn’t work (shocker), I crawled into the hall, soft light on the carpet fibers, and called for my husband who was still awake. He came up and laid down in the hallway with me. Nothing worked.
The next morning, I stayed in bed, certain I was having an endometriosis flare up/ovarian cyst/stomach flu/medicine reaction. I’d been dealing with pain on my right side FOREVER. About seven years ago, I awoke to pain so crippling that I almost woke my husband to drive me to the ER (and that turned out to be an ovarian cyst rupturing). I’d already logged three surgeries to address these challenges. As our vacation departure grew closer, I diligently rested so I would bounce back and be able to go. It became obvious that wasn’t gonna happen. So, I laid in my tangled sheets and told my kiddos and husband where the things were that they needed to pack. Because I’m the Packer and I’m also the Knower-of-Where-All-Things-Are.
“Mom? MOOOOOOOMMMMMM!?!? Where’s my suitcase?”
“BABE! Where’s my pocket knife?”
And I’d yell from my bed: “Back left corner of your closet.” “Top drawer, in the middle.” I’d add, “Don’t forget the sunscreen. And bug spray. And tooth brushes and snacks for the car and pack some healthy food TOO and healthy means nuts and fruit NOT BAKED POTATO CHIPS.”
On Wednesday, they packed the car and I came downstairs in my jammies to wave them off as they pulled out of the driveway. And then went back to bed.
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I now wish I’d gone to the Emergency Room when I couldn’t walk. Or when I couldn’t lift my leg to put pants on. Or when my temperature read 101.3. But, this story doesn’t start with me going when I *now* know I should’ve gone.
The way that story ends is that on that night, after the pool and the late August sun, and after the deep dish pizza, after four days of pain, after my doctor’s nurse called, and after I debated going to the ER, I finally did go. And it wasn’t just a rupturing ovarian cyst, and I didn’t just have the stomach flu and I wasn’t reacting to medicine. My appendix had ruptured on Sunday night and I went to the hospital on Thursday. Appendicitis is treated with immediate surgery. A ruptured appendix? Not so much.
They admitted me. The young resident (how could he be old enough to be a doctor?) informed me that they’d treat me with IV antibiotics for a while, that the protocols had changed and they didn’t always operate. So, into the hospital I went.
I ended up being admitted three different times. When I was discharged the first two times, I was instructed to watch for certain symptoms and to come back to the ER if said symptoms returned. So I’d go home and constantly monitor my body and wonder if I was winning or if the infection was (spoiler alert: the infection was). My three stays all blur together, which may or may not (definitely does) have something to do with the fog of illness and my friend Morphine. (An aside: many many thanks to Freidrich Wilhelm Adam Serturner for discovering morphine in 1805. Freidrich, if you’re listening — GREAT work dude.)
But certain details of my 22 hospital days are indelible. I still remember the crisp curve of the yellow face mask my nurse brought to try to dampen the stench of one roommate’s in-bed diarrhea. I remember my nurse Marc’s man bun and bright, warm smile (and how if I asked nicely, he’d bring me the “good” blankets which were actually big enough to fit the hospital bed). I remember making one nurse laugh when I made a bad pun, and then laughing because he laughed and then almost crying because laughing really, really hurt. I remember the strong, brown arms of Jackie who’d caught me when I fainted because I’d stood up too quickly, and the equally strong urgency in her voice as I came to, as she called for help.
I remember my roommate during my last stay, an 85-year-old woman who was sharp as a tack but whose round eyes held the innocence that seems to return as age and years take their toll. Her chest puffed in pride as she introduced me to her hard-working son, and her eyes filled with tears when told me of her husband’s death twenty years prior. She often forgot that I couldn’t eat, and when her food arrived, she’d thoughtfully recommend items from the hospital menu and what I should order (warm apple crisp and chicken pot pie at the top of the list). I remember the grey of my skin in the bathroom mirror, under the harsh fluorescent lights. I remember learning how to distinguish the sound of different footsteps — the harried herd of the attending physicians and their residents; the softer pad of the nurses. I remember the joy I felt when the faces that came around the curtain were my daughter, my son, my husband, my mom, my dearest friends, a flower delivery. I remember learning that people had organized a food train for my family, and gave many thanks to the women who made it happen. I remember being simultaneously grateful and sad that I couldn’t do it myself.
After many many hours of Fixer Upper (I feel like Chip and Joanna Gaines are now old friends because they entertained and kept me company every day), countless warm blankets, wonderful kindnesses from countless friends, CT scans, conversations with Infectious Disease Specialists, angel nurses, frustrating nurses (including one who pain-shamed me), grouchy phlebotomists and those who took blood in a way that felt like a gossamer-winged butterfly had landed on my arm, I became the Norm of the 5th floor of the hospital. I developed the type of friendships with some of the nurses that are only possible in these odd, alter-universe days in the hospital. When I’d return after several weeks, we’d greet each other with broad smiles and tight hugs. After IVs falling out and bright red trails of blood on my arm, and my veins going on strike which required 2 AM visits from crash nurses who scattered my bed with needles and alcohol pads and gauze to find a compliant vein, after days of not being allowed to eat and then just as many not being able to eat, when the leaves burned orange, yellow and red and that August day at the pool was a faint memory, I finally had surgery. My surgeon took what was left of my obliterated appendix, and the festering infection and six inches of my colon because of what was later described to me as “a nasty mess”.
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During my yoga teacher training, we discussed that moment in yoga class where as a student, we feel like we have nothing left. The sweat is dripping and our muscles are aching and shaking and we feel like we.must.surrender. One of my all-time favorite people and fellow yogi, Jess, said that when she gets to that point, she softens a bit and says to herself: STAY. Keep breathing and see what happens.
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Laying in the hospital bed, I breathed deeply. In through my nose, out through my nose. My breath, Ujjayi Pranama, was the only way I could access my yoga. And I quickly realized that what I was doing, there in my little room in my uncomfortable hospital gown, hooked up to an IV machine that beeped all the time, with a roommate four feet away, was actually the purest form of yoga there is. I was practicing yoga off my mat, during a time when I was shaking and all I wanted to do.was.surrender and all I could do was try to soften, and stay. And breathe.
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Between August and October, I was a shell of myself. I’d leave the hospital bed and go home to my own bed. A walk down the hall required a rest before I could return to bed. I guess the infection from the rupture was the only thing my body could handle. Finally, I started feeling better. I started practicing the physical asanas of yoga again, moving slowly since really, slow is the only speed with staples in your stomach. By the time Christmas rolled around, I felt more and more like myself. I felt more vibrant. By February, I was working and teaching yoga and then…that pain returned again. I started to decline. Hernias were discussed. CT Scans were ordered. Turned out that this time, it WAS an ovarian cyst. Actually, two of them. They were described as “mean and nasty”. At this point I’m quite tired of hearing the word nasty to describe the war zone that is my lower right abdomen.
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“Let’s get you an ultrasound, and see how big those cysts are”. I lay back on the crinkly paper, which is so thin I wonder how it’s really a barrier to anything. The room now dark, the ultrasound technician and I chat.
“This will be warm”, she says as she puts the wand to my belly. I think of the times I did this when pregnant with the kids. Those were WAY more interesting, seeing the growing life within — an arm, a forming hand, a heart beat that sounds like it’s underwater — than some damn ovarian cyst.
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The way that story ends? Sigh. Well, after missing our family spring break trip to Florida, getting a long term sub for my yoga class, undoing everything that I’d committed to, and hours laying on the couch or in bed, I’m now recovering from a total hysterectomy. Endometriosis had taken over my remaining ovary and implanted throughout my abdomen. I felt pretty resilient and even upbeat after my appendixpalooza stint. But this turn? Not so much.
I’m mad. I’m tired of my own narrative, yet here I am, stuck somewhere in the middle of this story. I’m tired of not being able to DO things. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling guilty and flaky and having to say, “I know I committed to this thing (my volunteer work, my paid work, my LIFE, my kid’s concerts) but sorry, ONCE AGAIN I’m not going to be able to be there”. I’m tired of resting. I’m tired of “not being able to because I’m too tired”. I’m tired of trying to do and then accidentally doing too much and ending up back the doctor. I miss yoga, so so much. I miss exercise and how it helps me manage my mental health. I’m at the point when people ask how I am, I’m embarrassed by the honest answer, so I just say “fine”. Even these words, even writing them, even the thought of sharing them feels self-indulgent and whiny and heavy, casting shadows into my days. The last year and a half has knocked me on my ass. Each thing on its own was hard — really hard — but the layering of them has put me in this funky, sad place that I’m finding it hard to see past.
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The word essay has different meanings, but the one I like the most is to try. “Trial, attempt, endeavor.” When I think of an essay as an attempt, it takes the edge off of the pressure I feel to write one. Even poetry, in which I dabble, graciously has the word TRY embedded (poe-TRY).
Yoga, too, extends this grace. Yoga PRACTICE. Not Yoga Perfection. Not Yoga Workout. Not Yoga It’s-Gonna-Be-Better-Each-Time-You-Show-Up. Yoga. Practice. It allows us to show up, uncertain of the outcome, and then realize that we are SO ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOME and then it allows us to soften as we face our humaness. We show up, carrying all our burdens. And yoga shows up, too. It allows us to rock.it.shake.it.break.it.down and it allows us to surrender, folding into child’s pose. It allows us to breathe through a yellow hospital mask pretending that it will cut the stench of shit. It allows us to stay. I think STAY and PRACTICE and TRY must be cousins–strong, steady helpers that remind us that while life is damn hard, we can, as Glennon says, Do Hard Things.
For now, I have no choice but to StayTryPractice, breathing and eating peanut butter M&Ms by the handful and working hard to not be annoyed because, you know, medical menopause + no exercise + anxiety + depression = SOMETIMES WANTING TO PUNCH SOMETHING. Or cry. Or both. I’ve often found it easier to talk about dark times after the light has started to shine again. But this time, I’m writing from the shadows because I believe there’s catharsis in sharing from the middle of a story, when the lessons in all of this are just nascent twinkles on the future’s horizon. I’m writing from the space of hot tears and not-knowing and sitting with all of this. Waving to you from the middle, wiping chocolate from my face and trying to not rush but so wanting it to be over. Repeating what has become a mantra, StayTryPractice. StayTryPractice.
Stay. Try. Practice.
This and That, 2017, and a Little 2018.
You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning, and you try to say your first words but they stick like rocks in your throat? Or when you’re in a room with spectacular acoustics and when you talk, sound of your voice rumbles and ricochets? And it startles you a bit? I haven’t shared a blog post in over a year. A YEAR. There’s so much to say — too much to say — and my words feel stuck. The weight of 365 days worth of living feels heavy, so I guess I’ll just begin. I’m stretching my muscles, flexing my fingers and showing up.
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My breath.
I began 2017 training for my yoga teacher certification. I studied Ashtanga-based yoga and as a result, Sanskrit. As I formed and pronounced the words, it felt like each utterance held roots of those that came before. How many people have said these words? I found comfort in them, my breath inhaling and exhaling to their rhythm, pulsing through the centuries.
I remember the moment I realized that I wanted to learn how to pass this practice on to others. I knew that I wanted to do this, but I had no way of knowing how much I’d learn and become during the process. It is one of my most sacred experiences.
Through training, we learned a lot about Ujjayi Pranayama, a Sanskrit phrase that, roughly translated, means victorious breath. I was stumped a bit as I tried to understand this — how could breath be victorious? It’s a deep, resonate breath created by sealing the lips and then inhaling and exhaling through your nose. As the breath is exhaled, you slightly constrict your throat. This rhythmic breath sounds a lot like ocean waves or, for you Star Wars fans, like Darth Vader’s breath. In a vinyasa practice, yogis use this as they flow, one breath, one movement.
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My story.
It’s interesting to me to look back at moments in my life that I can now identify as significant beginnings, when I was living a moment when roots were pushing down into the soil forming the foundation of a story, yet to unfold.
I’ve talked and written a lot about my mental health and my mental not-so-health. But when I was first diagnosed 20 years ago, I could hardly say the words. They swirled, oppressive and dark in my mind. I spent many years in the shadow of the stigma. But one evening I decided to admit my pain to a dear friend, and now with retrospect, I clearly see that as a wobbly, first step on my path to mental health advocacy. It was a poignant beginning.
Then, four years ago, I made the decision to write about my struggles just in case my words might make their way to someone who might be in the hole, living in the shadow, feeling less-than, or sad, or anxious, or lonely as they deal with their own challenges.
And then this past fall, I had the incredible opportunity to work to help a friend promote her documentary, Angst (more on that in another post — but OMIGOSH check it out and consider bringing it to your school or community). As a result of that work, I found myself standing in front of hundreds of people willingly, openly and honestly talking about my experiences with anxiety and depression. I wonder what the 25-year-old me, who sat with her friend and glanced nervously over her shoulder as she began to talk about her depression, would think of what took root and grew from that beginning, those words that caught in her throat and ricocheted in her mind?
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My break.
On New Year’s Eve 2017, I broke my ankle. I fell skiing and while my injuries could’ve been much worse, it was still a jarring, painful experience. The Ski Patrol came quickly and my brother-in-law stayed with me until my husband made his way back to us. As they loaded me into the Ski Patrol toboggan, the shock settled in and my whole body shook.
One of the Ski Patrol Team was named Elke and she had a smile like the sun, warm and comforting. She was no more than 5’2″ and tiny. Once I was secure, Elke started our descent down the mountain (such a badass!). I heard myself babbling about being a yogi and Ujjayi Pranayma. It turned out that she, too, was a yogi and encouraged me to keep breathing, while hinting that I would probably need my breath A LOT. They’d wrapped a yellow tarp around me and there was a small opening through which I could see the royal blue sky, the snowy mountains and legions of pines. The tarp flapped in the wind and created an old home-movie flicker effect.
My breath was particularly audible because of the yellow tarp. Elke would yell back,
‘How are you doing, Denise?’
And I would respond, ‘I’m breathing.’
As the days have morphed to weeks and months, I’m keenly aware of what I’ve taken for granted in the past. I’ve had the humble realization that I’d attached to my physical achievements on my mat. My ego had inserted itself into my inversions, into my arm balances, wrapped itself up in my eagle arms, my practice, my worth.
I’m back on my mat now. My practice is modified and will be for some time. This is hard, harder than I’d like to admit. I’ve had no choice but to truly practice yoga. Just like I did down the mountain, I’ve returned to the most primitive foundation I have–my Ujjayi Pranayama, victorious breath.
Breathing deeply through injury and trauma is victorious. Softening around pain is victorious. It’s victorious to show up and stay when it’s hard. But it’s where strength and resilience take root, allowing space for more stories and beginnings to unfold.
Solstice
All this hurrying
soon will be over.
Only when we tarry
do we touch the holy.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Yesterday was the Winter Solstice. In the last hour of fading light, I emptied the dishwasher, loaded it once again. I prepared dinner–a simple chicken dish and roasted cauliflower, sprinkled with olive oil and salt. By the time I finished, dark fell and wrapped the earth in black. The kitchen filled with the scent of good food and warmth. It also filled with the sounds of my family: Hubby worked in his office and sporadically yelled out questions, “Did you order the such-and-such for so-and-so?” Abby bopped about, thrilled to finally be done with tons of school projects. Henry drummed. (When Henry drums, the whole house drums with him. The kitchen is right above the space in the basement that holds his drum set; the hardwood floors shake and the dishes inside the cupboards rattle. I feel the beats in my stomach. I often wonder how easy it would be to create a sound-proof room.) I turned off all the lights and lit candles and asked Abby to call everyone to dinner. (And then I called again…and again, because this is real life.)
I love candle light. It feels mystical. Like it holds thousands of years back and thousands forward. It seems both mournful and hopeful. Just like life.
We sat around the table and I was struck by the ease of the evening. I watched the candle light dance on my children’s faces, across bridges of noses and curves of cheeks. These are the kinds of nights that I think about having often but don’t make happen enough.
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After dinner, we all cleaned up and put away the food. Henry said, “I can’t wait to make french fries”. His fries are wicked good mounds of shoestring salty goodness. But a 10-year-old and oil in the kitchen = the undoing of the cleaning I’d just completed. So, with caveats about how to make sure he leave the kitchen the way he found it, hot oil warnings, etc, etc, etc (WHY can’t I just go with the flow and let him create and make the fries? Why always the lecture?), he began to make his fries.
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I’ve been sore for weeks. I think my mind is pressing down on my body, working out its white-knuckled hold in my muscles and hips. There’s one knot in my back that I swear has been there for nine months. I can feel it seize upon deep inhale and it pisses me off. How can a knot live for months on end? With all the yoga and stretching I do, shouldn’t it be gone? What am I doing wrong? Nothing, of course–just living life. There is a circuitous pattern to the things I work on: I often feel like I am at the beginning again, and think, Oh For Fuck’s Sake, Didn’t I JUST Figure This Out But Here I Am Figuring It Out Again?
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I love the dark. I love the way it makes me feel, cozy and wrapped up. I wonder if perhaps I identify with the dark because it mimics my insides. Maybe because it allows for the dancing flame to illuminate, one small light flickering mightily through the night.
So, as Henry heated the oil to make his famous french fries, I headed upstairs. I turned off all the lights in my room and lit another candle in an octagonal, gold mercury votive. I placed it in front of the window, a small flame piercing the dark. Outside, the craggy trees reached up, up, up into the night sky. I inhaled and smelled the scent of frying potatoes. I raised my hands above my head and stretched upward. Through soft eyes, I saw the candle’s flame throwing my shadow onto the ceiling above. I exhaled into a forward fold.
The sounds of my family once again surrounded me: Hubby helping Henry clean up the kitchen “the way Mom would like”, pans clinking and slightly muffled voices drifting up through the floor. I moved into Downward Facing Dog and then settled into a deep pigeon stretch. I rested, surrounded by dark, my life, my breath and the flicker of one, small, holy light.
On and Off the Mat
I leave the house too late and drive aggressively to make up time. It’s 11:16 am and class begins in minutes. I whip into a spot, park and dig for change. The sun warms me as I gather my things, get out and slip the silver coins into the slot. I jog up the stairs to the studio, flip-flops thwapping. My bags slip off my shoulders into the crease of my arm. I juggle my keys, water, sunglasses. Others seem to saunter in with minimal belongings and ease. I wonder why I always travel like a sherpa, prepared for many Maybes.
Once in the studio, the heat and humidity of the last class greet me. The scent of sweat hangs in the air. I find an empty metal hook and hang my things. I enter the room.
I find a spot and unroll my yoga mat. My mental chatter clanks about:
Why is there so much fuzz on my mat
and when will I be able to do a handstand
and my frizzy hair is in my face
and of course NOW I remember the things I was supposed to do that I didn’t
and back fat
and schedule the doctors appointments
and buy snacks for the thing
and oh the painful interaction with the kids
and whattheHellisForDinnerAGAINTonight
And. And. And. And. And.
The thoughts, while predictable, are irksome.
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When I was younger, I thought A Perfect Life was an achievable station. I honestly believed that if I could just do it right, and find the right partner, career, pants, and exercise, I could unlock the code. Life would be easy. That the moment would arrive when everything was aligned and stress-free. It’s a compelling, albiet maddening, belief.
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I step onto my mat. I never know quite what to expect. Sometimes it’s a magic carpet that whisks me away and others it’s a fun house with distorted mirrors and maniacal laughter.
I fold forward, tie up my hair and feel the stretch of my hamstrings. Sharp inhale. I breathe. I try to nod to the pinging thoughts and tell myself that they are normal. That I am normal.
Class begins. The lights are low. The dimness allows me to begin focusing on my breath while I try to quiet the negatives–my critiques of my physical imperfections, my wavering self-esteem, or the CouldaShouldaWouldas.
:::::
You’ve made it to your mat, given yourself an hour to reconnect with your breath. My yoga teacher curates this space for us. His quiet wisdom permeates as he supports us and our practice with quiet encouragement, guidance and acceptance. He welcomes us exactly as we are. A stark brick wall holds our space to the right. A sparse light fixture is affixed to the bricks, a bare filament glowing within. I often focus on this as I attempt to Be Where I Am and breathe.
A yoga practice constantly evolves. When I first started, I learned the basic poses. After I gained that elementary understanding, I would work so hard to get into new poses. And when I accomplished that, I would realize in order to hold the pose that I also held my breath. I am fairly certain that breath-holding is the exact opposite of yoga. I realized how much I needed to learn about breathing. Funny, isn’t it? Breathing is our first task after making our way into the world. But here I was, learning to breathe. Or, maybe better stated, I was UNlearning to breathe. I needed to stop holding it–breath doesn’t need to be held. It needs to be received and expelled, accepted and let go.
:::::
Each student comes to class with bags full of their own life, bringing all of their emotion with them. Grief. Joy. Blah. Hunger. Contentment. Energy. Anger. Over-caffeination. Exhaustion. Excitement.
Each time I arrive, I am self-involved. I am my own axis in my own world. During the course of a practice, a shift occurs. The low lights blur the edges between our lives, between me and them. Our breath softens the stark edges of separateness. As we flow through our class, we morph into a living, breathing unit. Like twilight where daytime and nighttime coexist, the edges of our oneness smudge into a collective WE.
:::::
I go into down-dog and my eyes flicker open. A woman with a beautifully athletic body practices several rows away. I envy her svelte stomach, her smooth back, her grace. I am immediately angry. I am pissed at my belly fat and back bulge. I am pissed about my spreading ass. Damn french fries and diet coke and red wine and chocolate. And chin hairs. Damn gravity.
Breathe.
Jagged fragments of past hurts tumble into unkempt piles at my pale feet, an unresolved jumble of swollen puzzle pieces. A shameful pang sears as I remember how I handled my anger, or how I was too sensitive, or too certain.
Breathe.
A pose becomes too hard. I sink into child’s pose to rest.
:::::
I remember when I was learning how to do crow pose. In crow, or Bakasana, you squat low to the ground and place your hands firmly on your mat. You then bend your arms and place your knees on the backs of your arms, on your triceps. When done correctly, you lean forward and balance on your arms. Your feet suspend in the air and you hold the pose. My initial attempts were clumsy, at best. I tettered. I tottered. I fell, usually back onto my feet. One time I fell forward and my head firmly hit the hardwood floor. And it hurt. An Ouch, That HURT escaped my lips. Then, a giggle because somehow falling on my head struck me as funny, as did the fact that I spoke out loud in yoga practice.
Not until I put these words to paper did I realize that this all took place with acceptance–without judgment or my usual attachment to perfectionism. Each time Bakasana was a part of my practice, I’d try again. One of my big toes would leave the mat, the other big toe would leave the mat and I’d get the pose for a half second. Enough. Each half second built and then, one day, I held crow pose. Or maybe, it held me.
::::::
I flow through my practice. An essay idea saunters down through the clanging in my head, tempting me with a glimpse at a first sentence. That creative rush flushes my brain, swilling like smoke and whiskey, whispering promises of tomorrow. It’ll be epic. Powerful. BRILLIANT. I fall hard for these first words. But when I later try to capture them, they’re illusive; that sexy sentence is unwilling to commit.
A fellow yogi practices next to me and exhales a contented sigh, and I imagine a smile tugging at her mouth’s corners. Her exhale reminds me that in this space, 37 other lives are being lived, thoughts are being thought, bodies are being judged, worths are being questioned. My yoga teacher often says that by being connected to our own breath, we give others around us more strength, more sustenance.
Her exhale encourages my breath to take charge, stoking and building. I allow it to chart my course.
The beginning strains of Mumford & Sons Awake My Soul fill the space,
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
I unspool into half-moon. My foot grounds to the earth while I hold hands with the sun, my head stretches west to the Rockies, my other foot reaches east to the Atlantic.Then, I feel
it
The nothingness. The everything. The being. Not back there, not yesterday, not tomorrow or this evening. Now.
How is it that this moment holds such a paradox–simultaneously holding everything and nothing? I started out controlling my breath and then my breath takes charge and in so doing, allows me to let go.
I’ve become a compass and my breath is my true north.
I continue riding the fire and flow into revolving half twist. My hand anchors to the ground and tributaries of sweat stream down my arms, around my biceps. My arm is a land of its own, salt mines and follicles. My breath sweeps me away and back to the moment and suddenly, I am once again whole.
I am invincible. STRONG. Powerful beyond measure. I am the Fabulous Tattooed Woman who Says Dig when I tell her I enjoyed practicing next to her and that her body art inspired me. I am the Woman Who Just Gave Birth, with young toddlers underfoot, round with life and breasts heavy with milk. I am the Woman Who Shuffles aimlessly, ragged skirt over ripped pants, shoes two sizes too big, her eyes two empty pools. I am a Mother, cleaved in two as she mourns the loss of her son, her grief haunting every moment. I am the Artist Living and Working in a loft in Brooklyn, rough-hewn hard wood floors at her feet, vast, pebbly canvases stretching before her. In each hand she holds a huge paint brush, thick with vivid color. Her slight arms are instruments of the world.
:::::
I head home, the sunroof open. Wind and sun whips about the car. I have the urge to lie down in the grass to feel the slight tug of the earth’s spin and the curve of her belly. Instead, I begin to tend, once again, to the particulars of my life. The blinds to be hung. Screen time limits to be set. Judgments. Groceries to purchase and dust bunny colonies to evict. The ToDos, the hard stuff, the good stuff. But because of my time on my mat, communing with my breath and the breath of those with whom I practice, I have shifted.
I turn this thought over in my mind: such a thin, porous membrane separates each of us and everything. When I begin to see hard lines separating me from others, my yoga practice reminds me to try to see oneness. I struggle. I’m an asshole. I forget. I react. I’m still human, but I am reminded that a breath has the power not only to give sustenance and life, but acceptance.
This life. It’s a hard, sad, glorious ride.
These edges of life are softened by breath. I use the earth to ground and then she allows me to rebound and shine brightly. She holds a space for all of it, all of us, all of me.
I am a part of it all. This life. This living. One breath. One light. One.
:::::
Dear depression
Dear depression,
Really, you’re quite impressive.
The way you attempt to take down legions of innocent people, pawns in your dangerous game.
And the way you reinvent yourself? I mean, really. Sometimes you knock people down with tsunami force and other times you lurk about. Sometimes you arrive when it makes sense, when one of us would think we’d be depressed; others, you descend slowly, Just Because!, like a fucked-up little greeting card. You remind me of a superbug, ever-changing to keep yourself alive.
I’ve been talking to people–lots of people–and you know what? We’re onto you. We’re tired of you pushing us down into the dark depths as you float effortlessly along. We’re tired of you taking over our thoughts and telling your compelling lies– when we try to sleep, when we’ve finally made it to savasana , when we’re dicing the onions, when we’re making that funny putting-on-mascara face, when we’re talking to friends, when we’re riding the bus, when we’re on a conference call, when our thoughts are a skipping record of doubt. We’re tired of you making us compare ourselves to everyone else. We’re tired of being tired. We’re tired of you belittling our contributions.
Even though you throw equal parts shame and self-loathing at your victims, and even though you attempt to mute us with your promises that no one could ever love us if they knew the depth of our suffering, we’re NOT going to be quiet.
Nope. No fucking way.
Denise
Me Too
My children, and my life as their mother, are what brought me to my writing practice. When they stopped being young kiddos, I decided that their private lives were theirs, not fodder for my writing. And while I wouldn’t change this decision, it’s tough because I’m still their mother, I’m still trying to figure it all out, and I still want to write our stories. While each kid is unique and faces their own challenges, there’s so much universality in this experience.
Parenting a 12-year-old girl and a nine-year-old boy provides ample fodder that can unify parents everywhere. I could share my story, you could share yours, we could all nod in recognition at the parental struggles and heart aches we all endure. We’d all feel more normal together.
So many of us are out there, doing our best. Mothers, fathers, care givers. We try, try and try again. We breathe. We mess up. We step in it and hopefully, fess up, and try yet again.
Parenting is HARD. I wonder if, when I was pregnant, someone had tried to explain the pain, joy, frustration, love, redirection, strategizing, and hand-wringing, if I’d have been able to hear it.
“Some days will be a real be a shit show, Denise.”
“Some days, you’ll lose it and scream.”
“Other days, you’ll walk a bit taller because you didn’t lose your shit when you were clearly handed an embossed invitation to Lose Your Shit.”
“Some days, you’ll cry. Hard.”
“Some days, you’ll get into heated debates about how Cheezits do not constitute a healthy, quick lunch.”
“Some days, your kid will hurt so much and as a result, you’ll hurt so much. You’ll worry and wish you had a working magic wand that could banish their pain. But then you’ll realize that you wouldn’t. Because that pain creates their best opportunities to grow.”
“Some moments you will look at your child in awe and a velvety rush will spread through your heart and chest and you’ll try your damndest to etch all of it– the curve of their forehead, the scent of their damp hair, the cadence of their voice, the feel of their body curving into yours–into your permanent memory. But you won’t be able to. You’ll remember the essence of it but the exact feelings and emotions will flee, just like their childhood.”
“Some days you’ll be blown away by the audacity of the words your children dare to let leave their lips.”
“Some days you’ll be certain you are absolutely the least qualified person to be a parent.”
“Some days your children will slay you with their insights, their compassion, their light.”
“Some days you will need to just shut up and listen.”
“Some days, only one word will explain this long, strange trip: hormones.”
:::::
Those rough days? I carry them in my hips, shoulders and mind. I squirrel away all the frustration and bury it deep within. Neglect allows it to flourish, growing in knots, tightness and shattered patience. Lately, the one thing that keeps me grounded is my yoga practice. I unroll my mat and hope to find myself.
When I first started my practice, I was truly a beginner. Each Sanskrit phrase was an unidentifiable string of letters which left me searching over my sweaty shoulder, squinting in the muted light, looking for someone who knew what Ukatasana or Side Archer were. I was a foreigner traveling in a strange land. I used their bodies as maps, to place my arms, my legs. I often held my breath. These strangers were warm, unknowing guides on my journey.
:::::
I walk into the yoga studio and pad across the warm hardwood floor to my favorite spot, closest to the exposed brick wall. The light peeks in from behind the blinds. Other students are there preparing to practice. I unroll my mat and my thoughts ping about. I begin to unpack my limbs and breath. I stretch.
My teacher greets us. He asks us to take a pose and we all meet there, together in a sacred space but alone. The room holds the sounds of popping joints, moving bodies and adjustments. Some exhales. Low music plays and the warmth begins to build. We breathe. My breath is taught and terse. He welcomes us to acknowledge the gift we’ve given ourselves, this gift of an hour to reconnect to our breath. To explore our edges on the mat so we can accept the inevitable edges off the mat.
I lift my hips into Down Dog. I smugly think of my own edges. Maybe I’ll find some extra breath here. Some extra patience.
Now that I’ve practiced for awhile, I have a basic understanding of the Sanskrit and my body often knows the way. I can close my eyes and allow my breath to map my course. I still have so much to learn–and I know now that I will always be a beginner. So much calm to gain. Strength to gain. Grounding to gain. And in order to achieve it, I must show up on my black mat and begin again and again and again.
After practice, we roll our mats and step out of the studio and into the vestibule. The lights and our voices are low. Yogis shuffle by. We stand in our sweaty clothes, in our bare feet, with wet tendrils of hair matted to our foreheads, and we talk. Those who were once physical guides when I started my practice have become much more.
We are absent the usual trappings of life and stand somewhat exposed. We share. Truths about how challenging raising children can be. Truths about how we meet our Edge on our mats and how we then practice breathing through the edges off of our mats. How we fail and begin again. How we all struggle. Our souls seem to mingle in that open space and in each other, we see ourselves.
:::::
Me Too.
Two beautiful, powerful words that ground me and allow me to exhale. A hand reached out; a nod to the humanity of our shared parental experience. My friends’ stories provide sustenance on the long road. I’m not the only one who doesn’t have all the answers. I’m not the only one. There’s so much comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
Each day I’m a beginner. Each time I show up to my mat, I’m learning a new pose, or pushing to a new level and still finding edges, each and every time. I’m failing each time. I’m trying each time. Each morning, I’m meeting a new iteration of my children, and they me. We’re pushing to a new level. As my sage yogi said in class this week, we are always figuring out how much to push and how much to let go. Every time. Just as I was a beginner when my children were born, I’m a beginner once again. Each day unfolds and I practice. Pushing and letting go.
To Beginnings.
Light
Shortly after we’d decked the halls, Abby and Henry were talking about how the holidays make them happy. Henry then extrapolated, twinkly lights reflecting on his thoughtful face, that it made everyone happier.
I paused.
I explained that I didn’t think it made everyone happier. That it may make some people a bit sad. A notion, I knew, that would sound clunky and foreign to him.
:::
As I sip my morning coffee, I look at my window and see the rain raining and the grey sky lounging just over my tree tops. I think about the holidays and about the beliefs I hold about The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Even though I know better, I still get swept up in the belief that it’s all glowy and dewy and sparkly and fun. HAPPY. And then, I’m disappointed when it’s not all that way because of course, it can’t all be that way.
Depression and anxiety don’t have a calendar. They’re don’t respect holidays or birthdays or special occasions. They don’t take vacations (unless, of course, they’re climbing into my suitcase).
Wait, maybe that’s not quite right. Maybe, MAYBE, they DO have a calendar, stealthily planning and organizing guerrilla tactics to attack when they’re least expected.
Oooh, Christmas Eve. She won’t see us coming then. We’ll weasel around the tree like the Grinch and steal her happiness. Or…WAIT! What about a New Year’s Eve ambush? When she’s surrounded by bright, warm smiles, Auld Lang Syne and people she loves?
When everything, on paper, is happy. When all the damn ducks are in a row, when the gifts are wrapped, Nat King Cole is swooning on the Pandora station and a candle flickers on the kitchen island. When a warm meal sits on the table and family gathers and then our bellies are full and the Christmas tree glows.
THAT’S when it strikes. And you know what’s awesome? That depression and anxiety, those ardent fuckers, bring their BFF Judgey McJudge Judge with them. She swoops in bringing self-recrimination, criticism and loathing.
Seriously? You’re sad NOW? What the hell? I mean, look at all you have to be happy about. Remember the warm candle and the twinkling lights? Hello!?!?
This pressure that I apply to both myself and this season is absurd. My expectations, the holiday hype, the shoulds and my snarky monologue make me feel pushed from the outside in and the inside out. I suspect I’m not alone.
:::
The other night, I was sad. Not despondent, but melancholy. I was just home from a festive, fun party. Yet, I was a bit forlorn. For no reason. I was agitated and pissy. Was it the beginning of depression? Or just a sad day? Good questions but ones I cannot answer. That’s the pickle of this disease–sometimes, when you’ve lived with it for long enough, you’re not sure. I view my life through my own lens, and it’s tough to know if it’s me or the depression focusing the dials.
Like smokey anticipation sitting just atop the whiskey, the darkness has companions. Gritty, charcoal swills deep within the snow. A sense of otherness. Maybe it’s the shadow of the retreated light. Or maybe it’s a shroud, a tent, an escape, a gateway to something else. Or, perhaps, darkness is a season unto itself.
So, after the party, I found myself lying on my bedroom floor, staring out the window. Twilight fell. Dusk dimmed my room. Legs and arms stretched. Trees stretched just outside. I settled into my emotions. Sad. Melancholy. Agitated. I named them. Had a little Meet & Greet. Hello, ardent fuckers. I stretched a bit more. And breathed.
In that quiet moment, I allowed myself to feel. I gave the yuck and the melancholy and the ardent fuckers time and space. Then I got up and moved on. I’m still a bit amazed. But this is another iteration on my journey, of the lesson I learn again and again (and again and again): I am practicing. The more light I bring to these dark corners lessens the reigning power of Depression, Anxiety and Judgey McJudge Judge.
I know that the dark provides a platform on which the light can shine. A fissure in the charcoal clouds and then a spike of brilliant sun. I’m paying attention to their meeting places: the blurred line between night and dawn and the necessity of each. Small flickers of compassion. A bit of light amidst the dark. A twinkle on a dark winter’s night.
Casseroles for Depression
Anxiety and depression. I’ve written about them before. Here. And here. And there. It’s kinda a bummer, isn’t it? DEPRESSION. ANXIETY. Not uplifting fodder.
I really wish, sometimes, that I couldn’t write with personal authority on the topics.
But since I can (and shit howdy can I), I feel I must. Each time someone who suffers from mental illness talks about it, I believe it breathes air into further conversation, understanding and leads to a general softening.
We’ve made a lot of progress. When I reflect upon those that suffered in past decades, I am grateful for the medical (I’m looking at you, Zoloft and Xanax) and societal advances. While I am grateful for those, I still see oodles of room for change and progress.
Last week, depression nudged its way in. I was low. The sun shone brightly. The temperatures soared in the high 70s. I was otherwise healthy and strong. Except that I wasn’t. I was depressed. It pounded through my veins. It weighted decisions, even the smallest that seemed like they should be so easy to lift. My ToDo list loomed. It took my patience and my sense of humor hostage. I did yoga. I ran. I did yoga. I ran. I stretched. I breathed. I took my meds. And I was still depressed.
My usual arsenal of Feel Goods didn’t. Not at all. Like a superbug, my depression and anxiety were outsmarting my most ardent (and vetted!) attempts to keep it at bay.*
:::::
Hey, how are you?
My gosh how I both yearn to answer this question honestly and yearn to have a different answer. Do I respond with, Shitty, actually. I’m depressed with a heaping side of anxiety and it totally sucks. ??? And I could then sing my famous rendition of Every party has a pooper that’s why you invited me, Party Pooper, Party Pooper!
It’s a fast way to suck the air right out of a conversation. (I feel it important for me to note here that I have dear family and friends with whom I can and do discuss my challenges, just as they discuss theirs with me.) But what if, just like one may share prognosis and diagnosis of other, more socially acceptable health ailments, what if those that are depressed could do the same?
I’d like to try.
We’ve made a lot of progress as a society and that’s good, but we’ve a far way to go. We don’t have a social construct for discussing mental illness. We, the depressed/anxious/MentalIllnessSuffering people, don’t have experience saying it and we, the people, don’t have experience responding to such disclosures. I don’t blame Us, I just want to find a gentler way, one that involves heart-felt listening. A hug. A check-in.
It’s never easy, is it? I think of all the times throughout my life when I would like to rescript my responses to assorted disclosures from friends. The taste of leather still lingers in my memories from my own foot-in-mouth experiences. But the only way I’ve gotten better at responding is through practice. I still mess up. I still keep trying.
Many don’t know what to say and when the fear of Saying the Wrong Thing sluices through our thoughts, many say nothing. My friend, Lisa Adams, wrote about this on her blog, during her illness with metastatic breast cancer. While each of us is an individual and we all need varying forms of support, I believe the macro level take-away is this: love.
One summer, three years ago, I had a call-back on my mammogram (and have been called back three times since). The scrub-clad nurses assured me when I was in for my initial screening that many times, women are called back in for additional imaging. So when I got the call-back, I tried to be calm. I breathed my way through the days leading to the second appointment, through the second mammogram, and furiously flipped through the pages of People as I waited while they read my new films.
Then, the calm nurse came and said that I needed to have even more imaging. An ultrasound. In the soft-lit room, I laid back and the paper crinkled and I remembered the last time I had an ultrasound, under much more cheerful circumstances. I remembered hearing Abby’s rapid heart beat, and then Henry’s. I tried to remember that sub-aquatic sound of in utero heart beats. I tried to not think I had cancer. It wasn’t working.
The nurse said she would review these images with the doctor and come back to let me know if I needed any more tests. I am an expert at going a long-way-down an imagined, rocky road. In my mind, I was scheduling biopsies, I was wondering how I would tell my husband and kids. I didn’t have ANY information yet I had packed my bags and traveled far.
I propped myself up on an elbow, scrounged for my phone in my purse and texted Lisa. My phone illuminated me in my cotton gown and my fingers flew as I explained to her what was happening. I told her I was scared. She responded with three words:
i am here.
I swiped a tear.
I recognized the absolute beauty, brilliance and love of those three little words. I. Am. Here.
(The nurse came back in, shortly after Lisa and I texted, and told me I was fine. I could go. That was it. They’d see me next year for my annual exam. Lisa’s outcome was different; her death left a hole in my world. I miss her so much.)
:::::
Casseroles for depression.
We (especially women) nourish each other when one of our own hurts. We circle our proverbial wagons and bake chocolate chip cookies, drop off lasagnas, chicken tetrazzini, baked ziti and more, with post-it note instructions, Bake for 25 minutes at 350. Thinking of you. xoxo . Broken legs, surgery, death, heart break, divorce. With our comfort foods, bouquets of flowers and reassuring texts, we attempt to soften the unimaginable, the hurt, the loss, the pain.
I am not good at telling others that I am depressed or anxious. I suck, actually. I’ve said to friends, You know, there are no casseroles for depression. I think we could change that. It must start with those that suffer. It starts with the brave utterance, I’m struggling. I’m having a rough time.
And the equally brave response, I am here.
My wish is that we could tip the conversational model. If someone is struggling with mental illness that they can say it. That someone they choose to tell can receive it. It won’t be easy. Some or many may not know what to say. But may I suggest,
I am here.
I am here.
I am here.
:::::
** This week is lighter, brighter and better. Clouds parted and I feel once again like myself.
Several years ago, I read some powerful essays on this topic by The Bloggess:
No one makes cards for this. But they should.
Thank you, Jenny Lawson, for paving the way. I am grateful.
VULNERABILITY
Often times
the weak spot is considered the
liability
place to strike
emotion to veil
stock to sell
mold to fill
why is the trudging, the opposite of fine,
grief, darkness, depression, pain
admittance, foible, fallibility seen as
NEGATIVE?
What if the softest most tender
spot
is
the
magic?
What if every expression of emotion/
in all its varied forms
tears
joy
rage
anger
bliss
uncertainty
depression
breaks open, waves hitting and
knocking down, mouths filling with salt water
hair mats with the ocean’s foam
and sand in every crevice.
What if with my tears and its tears and every
tear shed like a holy baptism of acceptance/
arms splayed open, pummeled
make you
and me
whole.
What if the moment when the tears
hiding in the throat’s middle chamber
in a ball growing exponentially with each
emotion swallowed
back down
pushed down
threatening to rip open
the vessel finally free at last.
What if once released and let out of its cage,
rusty hinges creaking their protest
the torrents rage and
throat opens and
a melody so ethereal unfolds in its place.
What if the pain and the truth mixed by the
light of our witness
washes everyone touches everyone/
a river
where we rest our
weary bodies and
rocks cool, smooth on the bottoms of our feet
relief splashing, weights dissipating, strong
from the journey
souls buoyant
breathing in the torrents of
truth.
:::
universalgrit 
